This morning was "Worship Wednesday" at the office. Whenever it's my turn to lead I usually bring my guitar and play a couple tunes -- one of which this morning was Always, written by Kristian Stanfill and Jason Ingram. I love this song. It's biblical. It's powerful. It's singable. I think any great worship song has to have these 3 elements. In preparing for the morning of prayer, I found myself humming the line "My foes are many..." thinking... Do I really have any "foes?" It doesn't seem like I do, on the surface. But looking deeper, I see a battle within my own heart that I sometimes think doesn't exist. A battle against apathy, jealousy, selfishness and many other things that could generally be categorized under one issue: sin. Ahh yes. I do have a foe, one that I often tire of fighting. It can be tempting to think that we as followers of Christ shouldn't need to fight sin as much as we did before. That once we have access to the Holy Spirit, we won't have this daily battle between what we want to do, and what we actually do (Romans 7, anyone??) For much of the fall, I've been contemplating holiness and the battle against sin in my life. At times I feel guilty that I've not "progressed" more in my faith. It seems like the same obstacles keep coming back again and again. A big one is my desire for others to approve of me, because I place my worth in what others think of me instead of what God thinks of me. How many times will I need to learn this lesson!? In his book Holiness, JC Ryle is careful to clarify that sanctification does not prevent a man from having a great deal of inward spiritual conflict: "A deep sense of the struggle (within the heart between the old nature and the new), and a vast amount of mental discomfort from it, are no proof that a man is not sanctified...a true Christian is one who has not only peace of conscience, but war within." I think this was highlighted this fall by my realizing it's been 10 years since committing my life to Christ. I found myself thinking ...Really, Lord? Is this all the farther I've come? But the truth, this side of heaven, we will always have a battle before us. We have a foe. And whether or not we feel like we are overcoming it, the mere awareness that the battle is real is half the battle itself. How much worse off we are when we are complacent! "I shall never hesitate to tell people that inward conflict is no proof that a man is not holy, and that they must not think they are not sanctified because they do not feel entirely free from struggle." - JC Ryle, "Holiness"
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If you happened to pass by my cubicle at work, more times than not you'd probably think I'm pretty organized. Everything is in its place - financial records, risk management forms, and a myriad of other types of paper documentation. Pens and highlighters are arranged in the drawer. Then there's my book collection on my shelf, perfectly arranged behind my Starbucks mug collection. Everything is neat and tidy.
There are times that I find myself cleaning and organizing a LOT during the workday. When I don't know how to handle an interpersonal relationship that's on rocky waters, I sort my file folders. When I need to return phone calls, I find myself straightening my pens. When I can't figure out why my $120,000 budget won't balance, I re-organize my photos of family and friends on the wall behind my chair. My home office is no different. There's a place for everything, and everything is in its place. Especially when I'm trying to avoid my roommate, or avoid making financial phone calls, or family phone calls... or any phone calls... When circumstances of my life are out of my control, I grasp at any sense of order wherever I can get it. A neatly organized closet. Alphabetized movies in the DVD drawer. A color-coded bookshelf in the living room. If I can't control my coworkers, or my roommate or my boss, I find things I can control. Sometimes my desire to sort, straighten or standardize (Can you name the other two S's?) comes out of my inability to make a decision. What's the next step to take on that project that has stalled out? How do I find that error in my budget that is preventing it from balancing? I don't know. So I'll re-organize something to make me feel productive in the midst of the unknown. Lack of control is hard to deal with. Ambiguity is annoying. Learning to move beyond them, or to tackle them head on, is a process and something I'm working on this year. How do you deal with uncontrollable or ambiguous situations? |
Amy WellnerEncouraging others to intentionally live out their God-given identity. Archives
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